Would Tomorrow be a new day ?

Tomorrow will be a new day :) Someone told me on one of those nights when you don't feel it will be. I have never really been a crying baby but I have been having trouble getting to cry since last year. I try but tears just don't come easily. I was told that it is necessary to grieve...to let it out...but I can't...it stays inside...and then I don't know what to do with it. It feels like something inside me has died and it is very cold in there. I did break down in front of Samantha that night though..."Why is life so difficult...why does it have to be so difficult...if there is anything called nirvana or moksha then I want it more than anything else...I don't want to be born again because life is tiring me...I am tired to my bones and my soul". She held me and said "You are a strong girl...you'll survive all of it...we are both strong girls and we'll make it through this". I love her so much...I have always been the older child...the older sister...I have never known what it is like to have an older sister to look up to :)

Maa woke me up the next morning...the day just seems sunnier when she does that :) I was still tired..I look forward to going to work every day but that day was just not one of them and I had a deadline to meet. The kids needed their test scores and I had to go take care of that...my sadness needed to wait :)

Rennie and Barb, my two American moms (thats what they say...hehe) were chatting...they have been such a great support system through everything. It feels like I have a family at work :) I was asking Barb how to be politically correct about an email that I was writing and she was like "Neelam...you are stressing too much over it...just send it" and my reply was "Barb, there is so much stress in my life that I am looking for more stress or maybe a different kind of stress to distract me"...they laughed and I smiled :-)

"Dear you, I know you love me and even though I get mad at you, I hope you know I love you...Mamma says that you can make anything possible...would you make tomorrow sunnier and happier for me ?....please..." :-)

Who am I ?

We had a cultural diversity training at work on Thursday. I was tired, sleep deprived and had tons on my mind...this was the last thing I wanted to do...sit through three hours of a class ! The person sitting next to me was an Indian...from a different dept...I had seen her before at once a month office meetings but we never talked.
She asked, "what's your name ?"
"Neelam"
"you ARE from India??!!" (a big surprise)
"yea"
"I could never tell !!"
I am not quite sure how I felt...it was one of those moments when I process my thoughts after a half hour of the happening...walking toward the parking lot, I asked Barb, "Could you not tell I am from India when you first met me? that woman couldn't tell I am from India...I always knew she is from India though"...
"Really ?, maybe 'cause of your accent"
"But I have never talked to her before !"
Barb's final reply, "Oh boy !"

I went over to Yael's for dinner that night and I asked the same question from her. Her reply, "Honey...when I first met you, I thought you were an American!". Not that it's a good or a bad thing but I did think over this...when exactly did this happen ! No wonder I don't get those "Are you from India" questions anymore...

What is my identity ? Who am I anymore ? I haven't been home in 2 years and around this time next week I'll be getting ready to hop on the plane. What would it be like to land in Delhi ? Would my people be able to tell that I am from that city ? I mean that is my city...I was born there...grew up there...that city is a part of my identity...its mera Dilli and I will always be a Delhi girl...just makes me a little more nervous than I already am about the trip...

Oh well...atleast I am still "me" and I will always be, what I am up in my head ! :-)

Life is a ribbon...

"Life is a ribbon. Are you tying yours in knots or bows?"

I read this quote somewhere and it became my favorite. I guess I am only human. Some days I tie my ribbon in bows but can't help tying it in knots on others !

So I have been talking to a friend about blogging for a long time. For people who know me, I am a "talker" not a writer. It's easier for me to pick the phone or meet up and just talk than write. But someone told me that writing helps. I am going to try and put my thoughts into words. Not sure how much I'll stick to it but will give it a try :)